4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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