Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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