hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
