C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
