I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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