Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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