I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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