I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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