Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
