woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
zippers are such a cool invention
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
