So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
