I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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