She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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