Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
