the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize