Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
