Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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