did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
