and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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