UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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