Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
