If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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