Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
