guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
