Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
