I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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