She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I had to cum in my sink.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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