Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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