My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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