so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I FOUND THE LEGS
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
