My first STD was from a foam party
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
