I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
