she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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