someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Randomize
