Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
