Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
