I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
