I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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