I think i sorta joined a cult last night
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
