I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
