my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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