Tell her she can't have a vagina
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize