Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
