My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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