why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
