A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
