i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
