put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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