This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
