Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
