I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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