So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize