between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
