my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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