the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
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