I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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