Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
