I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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